Peace and Pandemonium

Monday, July 27, 2009


Pandemonium and Peace

Life has been crazy lately! I don't know of any other way to explain it. Not only is it summer time and I have all three of my kids to entertain everyday (which is a total and complete joy!!) but we have also been going through some big changes and lots of growth as a family. I haven't said anything publicly on my blog yet because when you are in these kinds of situations it always feels best to keep highly sensitive and important information to yourself until it's a sure thing. Well tomorrow morning at 8am it will officially become a sure thing.

We are moving. Out of the house that we have lived in for the past 7 years. Away from my family and our friends and neighbors whom we love so much. Out of one of the most friendly, charming and unsuspecting neighborhoods in Provo. Away from everything that has represented home to me, practically since we've been married. It is a huge change for us. Huge. We found a lovely home in North East Orem with plenty of space for our family to grow and flourish. Its in a beautiful neighborhood and has a spectacular view of the valley. It is basically everything that we have been wanting for the past year or so and it is finally materializing into our lives. I am so overwhelmingly excited for this next step but as with any change I have some fears and concerns as well. Our house is still currently on the market and I feel some pressure to sell it as quickly as possible. Other than that, I am thrilled to expand and grow and change. This is a very important time in ours lives and I am trying to soak it all in.

Because life has been so hectic and busy for me the past month I have fallen drastically behind in blogging, photographing, editing, and basically all creative and artistic endeavors. This time away has caused me to develop a certain level of self criticism. I have been questioning the quality of my work. My level of dedication to please clients and blog readers with images. My abilities as a photographer and my worthiness to be in the field. I often feel and have felt lately that I have become own my worst critic. When it comes to my blog specifically, I second guess a lot of things that I write, pictures I have taken and choose to post, subjects to discuss, information to share. As one friend put it, it feels like my voice has been lost. I think that is true on some level. I struggle with being accepted and with feeling good enough. I made a decision when the summer started that I was only going to take the pictures that made me happy. That I was only going to post pictures that I liked, whether or not I thought that you would like them too. I was going to cater completely and totally to my own whims and creative expressions regardless of whether what I produced would be considered quality work. Well that was the plan until we found the house and the crazy whirlwind started.

I just wanted to put it out there that even though my plan is taking effect a month later than I had expected, it is still my plan and I will follow through with it. I owe it to myself to not be critical and judgmental and instead let myself regress if that is what needs to happen. To give myself the room to make mistakes, take crappy pictures. Allow myself to post what may be viewed as pointless or uninteresting. Give myself permission to open up about what I choose to share without my own ridiculous fear that I might be negatively judged for it. Basically this is all for me. I know that no one really cares all that much what I do. I just need to loosen the ropes that bind me so that I can breathe again. So that I can create again. I'm tired of feeling stagnant and afraid to let it all go. When I started this peace and pandemonium blog a year and half ago, it was a family blog. A personal space for me to document my life and lives of my loved ones. I dont want that to change. I have thought about starting a separate blog for clients or for photography but after some thought I have decided that I don't want to do that. At least not yet.

My life at times is peaceful and bliss. At other times it feels like pure pandemonium. That is me. That is the way I roll. I am always striving to find the balance between those two words. With that in mind I have an embarrassing confession.

Because I have been so distracted and preoccupied lately I have been a huge slacker in a number of different ways. The biggest way was yesterday. It was almost noon before I realized that it was Steven's 35th birthday. Steven! The one I love the most in the whole world. The father of my children. My amazing husband who never lets a day go by without telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. This man even went so far as to throw me a totally unexpected surprise birthday party last year. After all of this I spaced out my own husbands birthday and while I remembered early enough in the day to recover from my folly, it really made me think about where I am at personally. So scattered, so discombobulated. I need to pull myself together. I hope that now that we have finally got the end of this house buying process that that will help. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one. Im ready to swing from pandemonium back to peace. :)

This image resulted from a reflection in a fireplace of Steven looking down at our new neice Savannah Louise whose pictures I will be posting in the next week. Because I feel like my mind is in so many different places lately it felt natural to duplicate his image. I know its kind of quirky but hey, thats me. :)

Happy Birthday Steven! I love you.

Have you ever read The War of Art? A friend of mine has been harassing me to read it for a couple of years, and I finally did just a couple of weeks ago.
I think it may be just what the Doctor ordered for you.
The new found self-criticism is resistance. It got a foot hold during your creative sabbatical, and now it thinks it owns the place - it's running its tired game all over your head!

Read the book. It's a short, easy read - a 'weekender' as I like to call them.

I will do that. Right away in fact. Thank you so much for the suggestion and for your awesome comment. :)
Hey you! What you're feeling is actually very normal so don't think you are alone - not that what you are feeling isn't personal in your own way - but that many of us have felt the way you've felt in our own ways so I'm guessing that many of us can relate. You've inspired me to spill my frustrations to you...hope you don't mind reading the email I'm about to send you :>)
I'm sure the whole neighborhood and ward is going to miss you. I miss you!

I think you're so creative and your thoughts are excellent. You're very talented, Kiera. I mean it!!!
Congrats on buying a house! That is so incredibly exciting.

You know how I feel about all this blog/phto stuff. I'm glad you're giving yourself permission to be you. I happen to like YOU a lot. So just do what makes you happy and don't feel guilty about it. ♥

And happy birthday to Steven! LOVE that image. It honestly doesn't look like him, and so I'm amazed that you were able to create an image like that from photos of him. (That's supposed to be a compliment. Does it sound like one? It should!)

love you, lady. call me and we'll get together. we'll harass people on the street into buying your house or something.
I heard about the move happening on Sunday... shhh Steven was talking to Chris at church and mentioned that you were moving in two weeks time.

Good luck trying to sell your house!! And with moving and settling into your new one.

And as far as the self-criticism goes, I agree with the others.. that we all go through moments like this but just have to make sure we find ways to pull through it. You are very talented and very beautiful, so who cares if you aren't " perfect" one hundred percent of the time.

The truth is, I don't think anyone is 100 percent of the time. That's why we have friends, to help us when these times come. ANd it's good that you are trying to find the balance between the craziness and the peace.

Your an AWESOME lady and I've always enjoyed being around you. Let me know how I can help. I'll miss you not being in the neighborhood and ward when you move.
Oh, Kiera, I can relate to so much of this post! Your willingness to honestly examine your heart's intentions will invite some beautiful growth into your life. I admire you for seeking out and exposing those places that need growth. :-) Also, a big, fat congratulations to you & your fam on your new home! What an exciting transition awaits you ... I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a quick sale of your current home. Luvs from me :-)
What a bare, sweet post. Honest and captivating.

Which brings me to something I read last week. On the road to becoming a writer, I've been reading "Writing down the bones" by N. Goldberg. In it, she says that we need to say we are free to write the worst junk in the world.

It's ok.

And the same could go for photography. Feel free to do what your heart and spirit feels. Post what *you* want, not what you think we want. Rediscover your voice. And rejoice. And as readers of your blog, we will rejoice with you.
Congratulations on the house. I am really excited for you guys. I just wanted to let you know how much fun it was getting to know you in Florida and I think you are extremely talented. It is your blog and I say post what you want. We may not all have the same point of view or like or agree on the same things but that is what makes us unique. Your friends will always be your friends. Good Luck with everything this next month. Tell Steven happy belated birthday for us.
good luck with your move. I hope you can be true to yourself and not worry about blog critiques.. though I know the feeling!
Hey you... Your blog is Awesome and you are an incredibly talented person and one heck of a wife and mother! You need to always do what makes you happy and fulfilled! Life is way to short to cater to others whims! I can't wait to see the new house and I hope your move goes smoothly! I texted Happy B-day to Steve, I hope he got it! Tell him and the kids hey for Jon and I. We miss you all and love you lots!
I love your blog! Your photography is inspiring to me as I am trying to get back into it. It seems that in our time away from things creative we lose out sense of self/confidence within our element. At least that has been the case for me. Self evaluation can be a way to fine tune/redefine who we are and how we express ourselves. And amazing things come out of it. I am excited to see all your future posts.


P.S. If you don't remember who I am, I was your visiting teacher for a short time with Wendy. During that time I really enjoyed getting to know you.
the whole time i'm reading this post i am thinking, "she needs to read the war of art!" i'm just glad that someone else pointed you in that direction too. i keep it at my computer so that when i'm feeling stuck i can read a few pages and get the kick in the ass i need.

you are more than enough. and i so love that you've opened up about all of these things here, it helps me to feel understood and appreciated for being myself right here and right now. i am always so blown away by your talent. AND i'm looking forward to maybe hearing some more of your beautiful soul voice.

You are all so wonderful! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being there to help me along my path.

You are appreciated!! :)
Kiera, it was so nice to meet you today. I have to admit that I was nervous, walking up to one of the "cool kids"... I just love your work, it's natural and honest. So keep it up! I promise I'll comment now. I don't know why I didn't before because I love comments! Like you said it's nice to know that you are not the only one who feels this way.
Here is my blog so you can see my "stuff"
Wow Kiera, I am glad I kept scrolling back to catch up on all things you. I think you're incredible and we're all our own worst enemy at times. This is your blog, a place to do whatever you want to. I can't imagine you ever being boring or posting bad pics. I always enjoy coming here and always will, no matter what you have posted.

As for the house, congratulations!!!!!! I can just imagine how you feel as we have been in the same house for 7 years too. But if this is what you were waiting for then focus on that goodness. All my prayers and good vibes are with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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