Peace and Pandemonium

Life has been crazy lately! I don't know of any other way to explain it. Not only is it summer time and I have all three of my kids to entertain everyday (which is a total and complete joy!!) but we have also been going through some big changes and lots of growth as a family. I haven't said anything publicly on my blog yet because when you are in these kinds of situations it always feels best to keep highly sensitive and important information to yourself until it's a sure thing. Well tomorrow morning at 8am it will officially become a sure thing.

We are moving. Out of the house that we have lived in for the past 7 years. Away from my family and our friends and neighbors whom we love so much. Out of one of the most friendly, charming and unsuspecting neighborhoods in Provo. Away from everything that has represented home to me, practically since we've been married. It is a huge change for us. Huge. We found a lovely home in North East Orem with plenty of space for our family to grow and flourish. Its in a beautiful neighborhood and has a spectacular view of the valley. It is basically everything that we have been wanting for the past year or so and it is finally materializing into our lives. I am so overwhelmingly excited for this next step but as with any change I have some fears and concerns as well. Our house is still currently on the market and I feel some pressure to sell it as quickly as possible. Other than that, I am thrilled to expand and grow and change. This is a very important time in ours lives and I am trying to soak it all in.

Because life has been so hectic and busy for me the past month I have fallen drastically behind in blogging, photographing, editing, and basically all creative and artistic endeavors. This time away has caused me to develop a certain level of self criticism. I have been questioning the quality of my work. My level of dedication to please clients and blog readers with images. My abilities as a photographer and my worthiness to be in the field. I often feel and have felt lately that I have become own my worst critic. When it comes to my blog specifically, I second guess a lot of things that I write, pictures I have taken and choose to post, subjects to discuss, information to share. As one friend put it, it feels like my voice has been lost. I think that is true on some level. I struggle with being accepted and with feeling good enough. I made a decision when the summer started that I was only going to take the pictures that made me happy. That I was only going to post pictures that I liked, whether or not I thought that you would like them too. I was going to cater completely and totally to my own whims and creative expressions regardless of whether what I produced would be considered quality work. Well that was the plan until we found the house and the crazy whirlwind started.

I just wanted to put it out there that even though my plan is taking effect a month later than I had expected, it is still my plan and I will follow through with it. I owe it to myself to not be critical and judgmental and instead let myself regress if that is what needs to happen. To give myself the room to make mistakes, take crappy pictures. Allow myself to post what may be viewed as pointless or uninteresting. Give myself permission to open up about what I choose to share without my own ridiculous fear that I might be negatively judged for it. Basically this is all for me. I know that no one really cares all that much what I do. I just need to loosen the ropes that bind me so that I can breathe again. So that I can create again. I'm tired of feeling stagnant and afraid to let it all go. When I started this peace and pandemonium blog a year and half ago, it was a family blog. A personal space for me to document my life and lives of my loved ones. I dont want that to change. I have thought about starting a separate blog for clients or for photography but after some thought I have decided that I don't want to do that. At least not yet.

My life at times is peaceful and bliss. At other times it feels like pure pandemonium. That is me. That is the way I roll. I am always striving to find the balance between those two words. With that in mind I have an embarrassing confession.

Because I have been so distracted and preoccupied lately I have been a huge slacker in a number of different ways. The biggest way was yesterday. It was almost noon before I realized that it was Steven's 35th birthday. Steven! The one I love the most in the whole world. The father of my children. My amazing husband who never lets a day go by without telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. This man even went so far as to throw me a totally unexpected surprise birthday party last year. After all of this I spaced out my own husbands birthday and while I remembered early enough in the day to recover from my folly, it really made me think about where I am at personally. So scattered, so discombobulated. I need to pull myself together. I hope that now that we have finally got the end of this house buying process that that will help. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one. Im ready to swing from pandemonium back to peace. :)

This image resulted from a reflection in a fireplace of Steven looking down at our new neice Savannah Louise whose pictures I will be posting in the next week. Because I feel like my mind is in so many different places lately it felt natural to duplicate his image. I know its kind of quirky but hey, thats me. :)





Happy Birthday Steven! I love you.