Peace and Pandemonium

Sunday, September 7, 2008


Today is the Day

This is me pressing the button.

Today is Evan's birthday. He would have turned 2 today. I cried. While having lunch with family friends no less. It was a little embarrassing but I think (and hope) I was understood. After welling up with emotions again today it was quickly brought back to my attention that I'm still grieving. I'm tired of feeling bad though. I want to do as my horoscope suggested. I want to embrace the cause of zoom and boom. I want to summon the brilliance to praise and create. I want to count my blessings because I have so many.

My blog has suffered right along with me these last 6 weeks or so. I haven't felt the desire to update or post. I've still been reading and enjoying your blogs but when I think of the work involved just to post my own, I fizzle. I've been thinking about why that is. Why is it that something that has brought me so much joy in the past has only seemed like a burden lately. Why cant I seem to pull it all together? It's my perspective. The way I've allowed myself to think about it. It's how I've allowed myself to think about a lot of things lately. I don't want those thoughts anymore. I want and need to fill my mind with hope, desire to create, and joy. The only way I know how to get myself back on track is to JUST DO IT!! Of course I don't feel like it. I haven't felt like it for weeks but I'm tired of that. I'm tired of feeling stuck in a place I don't want to be. Therefore I resolve to post blogs this week. One everyday!! I don't know what I'm going to blog about so this should be interesting. I feel blocked. I feel like I have to work through this and that's exactly what it is right now, it's work! Thankfully, I've never been afraid of work. Here are some of the things I have to work through.

First and foremost, following through with my goal. I need to make sure to post something everyday without fail. I just need to do it. Make a change, get started, and then see it through.

Secondly, I don't currently have my camera. I have been having some technical difficulties with my camera and lens so I sent them both into Canon to be repaired. I was told the turn around time would be two weeks. We'll see about that. I've tried tracking the package that was sent out on Wednesday and it's still not showing any tracking information. So I don't know where it is or what's happening with my precious cargo. I trust that it's being well taken care of though so in the meantime I'm going to be exploring some older photos. Look forward to some never before seen pics from the past.

C. Yes I just typed C instead of Third, deal with it. I need to work out. I have been feeling all achy and sore lately. I've had a sore neck for 4 days now that was so bad in the beginning that I couldn't even turn my head to the left side. My shoulders are sore and my hip feels out of whack. I was sick last weekend to the point where I thought I would never feel good again. Of course I recovered after a few days and was fine but it was just another bothersome signal from my body that something needs to change! See what I mean by my horoscope fitting me exactly? I am Joan. I desperately need to see a chiropractor and a masseuse to get an alignment and a massage, but until then, I need to jog/walk.

And last but certainly not least, I need to meditate, reflect and clear my thoughts. Then I need to filter through them so that I allow only the best thoughts to be considered and contemplated. I resolve to be aware of what I let myself think and the way I let myself think about certain things so that I don't get stuck in the same cycles anymore.

The seasons are starting to change and I feel the change in me coming right along with the weather. I need to push reset now so that I can prepare myself for all the changes that are headed my way. I already know that many of them are good changes and I'm so excited for that. I need to get ready. I need to prepare now for that ever expectant future of mine.

The horizon holds many exciting things for me. I think a 2 week hiatus from the camera will do me good but I am sooo looking forward to taking pictures again. Good pictures. Creative pictures. Unique pictures. That is what I'm excited about. I'm turning 30 in October and I'm trying to mentally and physically prepare myself for that change. I'll be leaving my twenties behind forever and entering into the next stage of my life. I'm totally fine with it but it does feel weird sometimes that I'm getting older. I remember when my parents turned thirty and I remember thinking that they were so old. I don't feel old so it feels different than I had always expected it would feel. I used to think 30 was over the hill but now that I'm approaching it myself, that hill is still in the distance. Probably a constant mirage that I'll never reach. So it is with time, the more things change the more things stay the same. Everything is happening right now and I feel like I'm finally ready to take that step back into the Present!

Happy Birthday Evan!!!

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you do that, you have a better chance of everything else falling into place.

Now, if you figure out just how to do that...please let me know!
Oh sweets!!! First, you're such a great writer. You're able to express yourself so well, in a way that I can really feel what you're feeling. Second, I am sorry for all you're going through. The not feeling well, the loss...this too shall pass. I am getting ready to push the reset button as well. And I'm a Libra, also!!! My b-day's the 1st, baby...I get to start the month off! Of course, I'll be 4 years older than sucks. And C, :) , I miss your photos! I'll be checking on you everyday to see what you've come up with for posts. I don't think I've gone a week posting every day yet! Good luck...
A week of straight posts is just to jump start me again. After that I hope to post less often but more regularly. I've so missed you Jenny. I look forward to hearing from you this week.

Libra's rock by the way. ; )
It's good that you've set some goals. And now that you've told "the world" what they are, we'll hold you to them. Tell us if you've been exercising, and meditating. (Possible to do them at the same time? I walk in the mornings before everyone's awake.)

Tell us about your favorite date with Steven before and after marriage. Your favorite bithday growing up. The funny everyday moments. Whatever you want. (Just trying to give you some ideas.)

So here's to pushing reset. Just dive in. And call if you just want to talk. xoxo
Can't wait for our big date next week. Hang in there Kiera and don't forget theirs always someone willing to listen, your Heavenly Father.
Im so glad to read a post, but so sorry you havent been feeling well! I have had the same neck and hip problems but I think mine was probably from falling down the dang stairs! you are a gem!, and I am so looking forward to your posts ahead!
Hang in there, these kinds of moments in life take time and an untimely death in any family is hard and with time you'll heal. At least you recognize something needs to change and hopefully you can make the right kinds of changes to help you feel better. And turning 30, well it wasn't so bad -- I did back in April!! We're still YOUNG!! As long as you think it you'll feel it. (KIND OF)

I also agree with what Leah said.
I feel you Kiera. On all of it! I killed my back over a week ago and feel like an old, sad woman. (PLUS, This birthday for me will put me closer to forty than thirty - ugh!)
Sometimes going through the motions is the only way to get back on center, that and a bizillion "I love . . ." lists. :)
It'll be good to hear from you again though! Um. . . call me!
Oh Kiera. I felt so much reading your post. I don't even know you but I have thought about Evan and your family's loss often. My heart aches so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

I am not dealing with any tragedies but I can totally appreciate needing a jump start. I have been getting deeper into a funk the past few weeks & needed to re-start my engine, and I believe I finally did that this weekend. It was unexpected but something happened yesterday & I was a crazy woman. It all started when I couldn't find 1 empty hanger. From there, I freed up 20 & then started giving away clothes, even though they fit. I just became too complacent with them and needed to be out with the old, in with the new. It was like a cleansing, and it was working on my mind in such a positive way. It spilled over into the laundry & so on. And tonight I plan to work out which I have not done in awhile, a big reason for my funnk. So, it might be something silly for everyone, like you reaching deep into yourself to post everday or me giving away half my wardrobe which leaves me with like 2 shirts and one pants. But it's a great start!!! Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Happy Birthday Evan!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. As if that was not long enough, keep thinking about turning 30. It's going to be amazing, your 30s. It really keeps getting better. I am turning 37 in October & I keep visualizing how I want to feel that bday week so that's what I am working towards.
we have your lovely past posts to keep us content for now, you just take the natural amount of time that you need- that sweet baby boy- i think about that face, often and i think of his mom and i say small prayers

yes- 30- i have found that i actually feel more attractive, more sexy and more enlivened because of life and that i have experienced so many things- i turn 32 on sep 11th!

welcome to the 30s you lovely, beautiful girl.
I hope you can get through this; I don't know if I could recover very quickly from any kind of tragedy like that. I mean, I don't follow through with my goals as it is now, and that is pretty depressing.
I turned thirty in June...its not as bad as it seems, but I know what you mean about that seeming SO old. I swear my parents are still thirty, aren't they?
I lost your link for a long time! I can't believe it. I've missed your site.

I can see I've missed something. I hear your struggle in your voice. I'm so sorry.
I'm glad you're getting things in the right direction. It's so hard to lose family. On your b-day though, I missed this post somehow so happy belated! You know, I liked turning thirty. Every age has it's disadvantages but I'd take 30 over 20 any day. I'm sure I'll take 40 over 30. Each year for me is like a trophy. I love adding them to my collection! I hope you love being 30 as much as I did...5 years ago *L*
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