Deep thoughts ahead, consider this your warning.
Lately I've been experiencing growing pains and I mean that literally. I have felt real pain because of it. The spectrum of feelings I've had during this process are to the extremes. I have felt a deep desire to break free from my limitations. This has caused me to stretch in ways I didn't know needed to be stretched. Doing this has caused me all kinds of emotional, mental, and physical pain and equally, joy. It really is hard to grow into who you know you are in the face of a judgmental world. These inner changes have taken me out of my shell and exposed a very vulnerable side of me. This exposure has been good for me but has also hurt me. It has insisted that I face parts of myself that have been dormant for a long time.
The fact is, I am a square peg trying to fit into a perfectly
Grant it, part of me fits, but because I have edges
I cant occupy the circle comfortably. I have to be outside of it. This living on the edge is dangerous. I feel constantly threatened with being an outcast, looked down upon, not good enough. The struggle to find the balance of who I really am and who I think I'm supposed to be is a daily challenge. Quite reminiscent of my horoscope that stated, "It's so funny that in order to find out where I truly belong, I had to change my ideas about where I truly belong." I don't want to wander off too far, so I stick around and deal with the rejection and the fears I harbor with the hope that one day I will feel fully accepted.
I have learned many things since starting this blog six months ago, most valuable among them is that I need to be real!! For me, real includes
my rough edges. These edges might "scare" you or maybe even offend you although that is never my purpose. These edges might also intrigue you or appeal to you. Ultimately, if I cant be real in my interpretation of my
life and my
feelings on my
blog then that would keep me from being myself
. This is what I want to achieve with my photography...something real! I don't want to be limited, and in order to fully find myself through photography I will sometimes have to plunge a little deeper. Touch on the things that are way past the smiling faces and happy people.
I am not a dark person. In fact, I'm a very happy, friendly and accepting person but I am human. Sometimes my feelings and emotions grow dark and restless. It's during these times that I must face the darkness in order to find my light. I guess its true that I have to lose some of my certainties in order to gain more security.