Peace and Pandemonium

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Growing Pains

Deep thoughts ahead, consider this your warning.

Lately I've been experiencing growing pains and I mean that literally. I have felt real pain because of it. The spectrum of feelings I've had during this process are to the extremes. I have felt a deep desire to break free from my limitations. This has caused me to stretch in ways I didn't know needed to be stretched. Doing this has caused me all kinds of emotional, mental, and physical pain and equally, joy. It really is hard to grow into who you know you are in the face of a judgmental world. These inner changes have taken me out of my shell and exposed a very vulnerable side of me. This exposure has been good for me but has also hurt me. It has insisted that I face parts of myself that have been dormant for a long time.

The fact is, I am a square peg trying to fit into a perfectly round hole.

Grant it, part of me fits, but because I have edges I cant occupy the circle comfortably. I have to be outside of it. This living on the edge is dangerous. I feel constantly threatened with being an outcast, looked down upon, not good enough. The struggle to find the balance of who I really am and who I think I'm supposed to be is a daily challenge. Quite reminiscent of my horoscope that stated, "It's so funny that in order to find out where I truly belong, I had to change my ideas about where I truly belong." I don't want to wander off too far, so I stick around and deal with the rejection and the fears I harbor with the hope that one day I will feel fully accepted.

I have learned many things since starting this blog six months ago, most valuable among them is that I need to be real!! For me, real includes my rough edges. These edges might "scare" you or maybe even offend you although that is never my purpose. These edges might also intrigue you or appeal to you. Ultimately, if I cant be real in my interpretation of my life and my feelings on my blog then that would keep me from being myself. This is what I want to achieve with my photography...something real! I don't want to be limited, and in order to fully find myself through photography I will sometimes have to plunge a little deeper. Touch on the things that are way past the smiling faces and happy people.

I am not a dark person. In fact, I'm a very happy, friendly and accepting person but I am human. Sometimes my feelings and emotions grow dark and restless. It's during these times that I must face the darkness in order to find my light. I guess its true that I have to lose some of my certainties in order to gain more security.

Even though we didn't know each other very well in the ward, I feel like I've gotten to know you more through this blog and I want you to know that I think you (and your photography skills) are amazing! :)
This post seems to have been therapeutic for you, just part of this process you've found yourself in. To be so vulnerable before the world is no easy thing. Being so introspective and brutally honest is a bit scary.

At the same time, I think many, many people can relate to you. Feelings of judgement, inadequacy, being an outcast....I know I feel them, whether they are real or imagined.

And trying to reconcile who you are, what you want to be, and who you think you should be is no walk in the park. Trying to find which is right, if any of them, or all of them, and how to balance it all...close to impossible.

I'm so glad you started blogging. It got me blogging! And did it make the photography itch grow? You can't deny the changes that's brought to your life. And if you can't be real on your page, with the things you put out for the world to judge, where can you be real? Although it's tempting to post what you think others want to see.

I like your edges, Kiera, though I definately wouldn't call you a square. If every painting was the Mona Lisa, we'd all be bored out of our minds.
Aubrey, Thanks so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. : )

Alyssa, Man you're eloquent. Thanks for your insightful thoughts. Very, very much appreciated!!

Since posting this blog I already feel better...I had to get it out there in order to get past it! : )
You go girl...!!!
I know what you're talking about. In my days as an art major, it was so frustrating that when I felt I had done something truly creative and self-expressive, those people who were my usual 'fans' were quick to express how they didn't like this new style or whatever I was creating.
it can be very frustrating.
Haha. Thanks! : )

So true. People like to get what they've come to expect. Boring! I guess when it comes to life and art we just have to do what makes us feel satisfied and happy and not worry about what others think. Hopefully, at some point the two will collide and what we create or how we live our lives will make us and others happy. Simultaneously.
You know that's why we're here on Earth -- to learn about ourselves, our abilities our talents and find ways to create things that are Wonderful. As long as our ultimate goal stays the same and the things we do can help get us there that should stay our focus. Believe me, --I think everyone has had moments of not being accepted for one reason or another. And hey, I think your AWESOME!! Great to talk to, and you have a real down to earth insight that not many others probably do.
Oh friend! One of the rarest, most beautiful, and most precious things to find is a soul true to themselves. I love that you are out there searching, keeping the pieces that are real and honest and shelving those that you're not sure belong. We all go through it, and if we aren't we certainly aren't creating the masterpiece we should be of our lives!
Keep diging. I love your insights. You always help me to see things in a different light! You are an artist in many ways, and so being I think you're automatically subject to living vivdly - whether the colors are shockingly sunny or dark as the blackest night.
I believe it was B.Y. himself that said we should seek out light and goodness wherever it is - even if it's found in the depths of hell - and then we need to claim it.
Kudos on your plunge into the heart of darkness! :)
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